He Who Must Not Be Named

Michelle Obama has revealed the terrible truth: her husband's name is so powerful that it cannot be uttered without inspiring terror and dread.

Michelle Obama, who often has decried "the fear bomb'' that opponents have used against her husband for his middle name -- Barack Hussein Obama -- said in Canton, Ohio, today that it is happening again and shows why it's so important that he wins election as president.

"They threw in the obvious, ultimate fear bomb," Obama said today of her husband's 2004 Senate race. "We're even hearing [that] now. … 'When all else fails, be afraid of his name, and what that could stand for, because it's different.'"

As with most great questions of life, J.K. Rowling has shown us the way forth from this dilemma. Her villain Tom Marvolo Riddle so hated his birth name that he formed it into an anagram to give himself the title by which he reduced the wizarding world to abject terror: Lord Voldemort.

So, since his real name inspires terror, let's apply the same solution in reverse to Barack Hussein Obama's name and see what anodyne alternatives we come up with. Hmmm... some very promising candidates:

• Cabana Braises Hokum


• Cabana Amok Hubrises


• Cabanas Amok Bushier


• Cabanas Abhor Muskie


• Cabanas Ukase Rhombi


• Casaba Bohemian Rusk


• Casaba Manure Kibosh


• Caesarian Kabob Mush


• Maharani Abuses Bock


• Maharani Kabobs Cues


• Marihuana Babe Socks


• Marihuanas Cakes Bob


• Anaerobic Samba Husk


• Aback Amoebas Inrush


• Aback Abash Monsieur


• Aback Aha Submersion


• Aback Mania Rosebush


• Aback Sahib Enamours


• Scarab Bohemian Auks


• Scarab Banshie Oakum


• Scarabs Bemoan Haiku


• Abacus Amoeba Shrink


• Abacus Abash Moniker


• Amebas Caribous Khan


• Baseman Cobras Haiku


• Abrasion Ambush Cake


• Marabou Scab Hankies


• Chimaera Nabobs Auks


• Massacre Nabob Haiku


• Maraschino Babes Auk


• Maraschino Beau Bask


• Harmonicas Beau Bask


• Ashcan Kabobs Uremia


• Maniac Hauberk Basso


• Sharia Kabobs Acumen


• Sauna Kabob Chimeras


• Saurian Kabob Sachem


• Mania Backhoe Bursas


• Shamans Caribou Bake

But for my money, there's one clear winner. I want to hear the Sergeant-at-Arms of the House say these immortal words:

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.... BABUSHKA MACARONIES!!!"